French Babies Raised and Soft Cheeses Thrown As Wittwer Dominates Luray Criterium

Greg "Pretty Boy" Wittwer solo'ed his way to the top step of the podium on Sunday at the Luray Criterium, part of the Page Valley Omnium and one of the last events in the GamJams Cat 3 Cup p/b Mountain Khakis.   The daunting course, the heat, and the previous day's exertions were expected to take their toll on most racers, but Wittwer said "when I saw the course, I knew I had a good chance."  It was this confidence and aggressiveness that allowed Wittwer to dominate the rest of the field for most of the race, including the most important part, the last fourteen laps.

Wittwer and the GamJams team had raced the previous day's Page Valley Road Race pretty conservatively in an effort to preserve Wittwer's lead in the Individual GC and the team's overall lead in the Cat 3 Cup.  Unfortunately, that strategy backfired as Wittwer's closest rival, Nicholas Taylor (WWVC) seems to be an uphill sprint specialist and was able to take plenty of points away from GamJams and Wittwer.  Down but not out, the team rolled up to the line on Sunday with a very different perspective.  Wittwer said "there was to be no sitting in on that course for me ... From the start I took off."

Wittwer found himself in a two-man break which was doomed to fail as his companion overcooked a corner and, in Wittwer's words, "dude just went way too fast into the turn and got scared and locked up his wheel."  Wittwer was able to stay upright but hit the curb with enough force to ruin a Zipp 404.  As he hobbled his way to the pit, teammate "Life Alert" Larry Byvick rolled in to hand over some fresh wheels and get Wittwer back in the action.  Course Officials put Wittwer back in front of the pack and he was off to the races with his head down, trying to build up his lead.  In the end, he held off the charging peloton and was able to solo across the line.  Unfortunately, he did not make good on his promise to dismount and carry his bike across the line cyclocross style.  He is, apparently, a big talker  when it comes to victory salutes.

As for the rest of the team, the sentiment was echoed by all that Greg really does not need to be told what to do in the future.  As one of their Armchair Direttore Sportivi reported, "Greg is obviously a crit specialist, the more technical the better.  From now on our strategy is going to be 'Greg, do whatever you want.  Go as fast as you want whenever it feels like time to go fast."  To do otherwise, it would seem, is to try to to train a greyhound to hunt three-legged turtles at the old-folks home.

Editor's Note: The reader should be aware that the writer's phrase "held off a charging peloton," is actually euphemistic code for "lapped the field and let up a bit at the end so they could sprint for table scraps while he coasted across the line."  Wittwer promises photographic evidence next time he laps anyone.  This is, of course, at the insistence of David "Get Off'a My Lawn" Kirkpatrick who reminded the team that "if you act like whatever you want to do is 'just S.O.P.,' then nothing is off the table and everything is possible."  That's just how he rolls.

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